Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
