Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
