the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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