two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
