??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
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Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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