I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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