walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
