So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
