I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
