Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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