Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
