I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
