im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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