Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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