True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
smell my finger.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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