I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
