so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
