my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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