So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
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I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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