I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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