I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
