Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
