I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
