Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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