So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Michael Bay diarrhea
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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