Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
