I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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