The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
