My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
