I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize