Your face is a jimmy john
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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