Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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