God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
