i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
