the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
