2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
soo... how was my night?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
