She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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