Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
