I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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