i will never coherently bang her
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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