I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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