If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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