I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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