Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you never un-have a 4some
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
