We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
