did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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