She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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