I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
