Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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