How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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