fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I believe in your delicious
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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