Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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