Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
