Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
