Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
