I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
