that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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