so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
ok first of all what the fuck
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
