stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
