Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
