Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I would fuck him just for his dog
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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